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Am I Who I Think I Am?

from There Is More Light by Arran Fagan

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about

I've been moving for a long time. I am home for a time and then gone for two weeks, a month, three months, a year. I like moving, it makes me feel alive and it is something I consider myself good at. I can drive 14 hours without an ounce of exhaustion. This song was written about a relationship, half of which has been conducted while I was moving. When the Covid-19 pandemic hit my movement came to a screaming halt. I moved home, I went back to school, and I spent the most time I had ever spent with my partner. I finished grad school and guided outdoor programs in Yosemite for summer and drove all over California. I took a job that brought me back to Portland for the foreseeable future. And then my partner moved to Montana for grad school. My new job didn’t allow me the freedom to travel. Not moving caused an identity crisis. The things I was good at, the things I wanted, and what made me feel alive, were slowed to a trickle consisting of the same 15-minute drive to and from work each day. I began facing the identity I had built around myself. This song explores the tension of potentially wanting different things than your partner, and what is gained and lost in moving on.

This song was the last song written for the album. From day one of the album processes Could You Carry Me had been the song I envisioned on opening the album. After randomly ordering the songs on a SoundCloud playlist Am I Who I Think I Am? started the album and it stuck. I loved that Tyler kept my guitar mistake at the beginning of the track and then brought in the doubled guitar. It felt extremely human. The song was originally recorded with only single-track guitar and vocals. Tyler Fortier thought an Adrienne Lenker vibe would make the song more emotional. I recorded a double vocal and guitar track.

lyrics

You’ve always seen right through my
wandering like a wounded dog
To focus on and hold the light
In what was once an endless fog
Some days it still surrounds me
Then burns off in the afternoon
My darling when it's storming,
Will you sit with me and watch the view?

Am I who I think I am?
Will it be enough for you?
Will we make good on these plans?
Is there enough room for two?
I will always love you

It’s a different kind of yearning
To run until I find my way
But how to justify this,
grows harder with each passing day
I spend out on the highway
In search of undiscovered truth
But if everything’s inside me
Could I have stayed home next to you?

Am I who I think I am?
Will it be enough for you?
Will we make good on these plans?
Is there enough room for two?
I will always love you

Am I who I think I am?
Will it be enough for you?
Will we make good on these plans?
Is there enough room for two?
I will always love you

credits

from There Is More Light, released November 4, 2022
Arran Fagan- Acoustic Guitar & Vocals
Tyler Fortier - Ukulele, Nashville High Strung, Keys, Piano

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Arran Fagan Portland, Oregon

Singing songs of sadness and having a great time doing it.

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  • May 4
    Strum
    Portland, OR

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