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Gone This Time

from There Is More Light by Arran Fagan

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about

Grief destroys you and rearranges your being. I wanted to write a song that explored the disequilibrium surrounding grief and the illogical thoughts that can seem so logical due to the way grief holds us. I wanted to explore the grieving process and reread the “Year of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion and did a lot of research on Elisabeth Kübler-Ross whose book, “On Death and Dying” outlined the five stages of grief. Grief can take all forms, serious and deafening, too simple and childlike, and both blending together and coming and going as waves. While writing this song I imagined a little kid dropping their teddy bear and the car ride home where the child is reckoning with the fact that their teddy bear is gone and the parents are trying to calm them down. This image to me felt like a true representation of grief, from the outside it may look childish and nonissue, from the inside the feelings are very real and intense, but also may be fleeting, or traumatic and come in waves throughout the lifetime of our memory.

lyrics

The spirit left you
And you fell down into a dream
At least that’s what I've told myself to believe in
It's a lie
You're gone this time
Oooh
You're gone this time

If mournings mending
Then why am I pretending to be fine?
A thinly veiled line
between treading water
and building a shrine
Oooh
You're gone this time

If I could paint your portrait in my mind
Then you'd still be with me
But at the rate, we’re spinning out of time
Will your soul wait for mine?

On the drive home
I fell asleep on the vinyl seats
Much to your relief
Without holding your hand
You're gone this time
Oooh
You're gone this time

The constant silence
A paralyzing violence that remains
Trapped in a refrain
“Was not part of the plan”
Oooh you're gone this time
Oooh you're gone this time

Am I underwater or on fire?
I can't tell the difference
Everyone says that the fog will rise
Adjusting my eyes to the light
Will I see you waiting by my side?
Too afraid to risk this
There is some strange beauty in this life
I'll tell you about it

If I could paint your portrait in my mind
Then you'd still be with me
But at the rate, we are spinning out of time
Will your soul wait for mine?
Will your soul wait for mine?

credits

from There Is More Light, released November 4, 2022
Arran Fagan - Acoustic Guitar, Vocals, Piano
Grayson Phelps - Piano & Synths
Tyler Fortier - Ukulele, Nashville High Strung, Electric Guitar, Piano, Bass, Keys

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Arran Fagan Portland, Oregon

Singing songs of sadness and having a great time doing it.

shows

  • May 4
    Strum
    Portland, OR

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